So, when exactly are you forgiven?
Recall that forgiveness is a feeling that the victim must experience internally. So here’s the $6 million question: at what point will that happen?
1. Never
Let’s get the cold reality out of the way first: some things can’t be fixed even if all the right steps are taken. But doing everything in your power to maximize your chances will always be better than not trying or giving a half-hearted attempt. In the long run, you will save yourself from regret.
2. Unilateral forgiveness
Unilateral forgiveness is when the victim grants forgiveness without effort on the part of the wrongdoer. Being granted unilateral forgiveness is typically rare outside very slight harms.
Sometimes, you are fortunate to have someone in your life who will forgive without requiring an apology. They spontaneously or quickly process the harm and elect to forgive. This differs from not experiencing the harm at all.
Recall most victims of a more serious offense need a reasonable amount of time to cooldown and process the harm they suffered. After their initial pain, they may forgive spontaneously.
3. Earned forgiveness
Earned forgiveness is when the proactive wrongdoer’s efforts induce forgiveness.
Some victims are able to forgive after knowing the wrongdoer: (1) understood their mistake; (2) understood how the victim feels; and (3) apologizes for the harmful conduct.
Some victims are able to forgive when ‘touched’ to see the wrongdoer makes concerted promises to grow and change.
This is the most likely stage where forgiveness is granted. The victim has witnessed the wrongdoer speak through their actions by paying their restitutions and committing to the values of the relationship. This is the stage where ‘talking the talk‘ becomes ‘walking the walk.’ Most people are logical and will accept evidence they see before them. Patience is key. This is a critical reminder that an apology does not generally end with the discussion.
We’ve reached the end. I hope some insight was gained, some myths were dispelled, and some important people crossed your mind. If you came here due to a personal emergency; as many have before, I hope our resources will be helpful for your immediate future. Do your best.
No regrets.