The Forgiveness-Entitlement Mindset
Forgiveness is earned.
The forgiveness-entitlement mindset describes a belief where forgiveness is an obligatory response following a token statement of, “I’m sorry.” Many adults hold this belief today for a simple reason: it is likely the first dispute resolution lesson they were taught at a young age; common phrased as: “When you do something wrong, you have to say sorry.”
It is an easy rule for kids to understand and practice, teaches them to be be mindful of their actions and others, and provides a simple response to most mistakes they will make. On the other hand, its simplicity is also one of its great flaws. Not all people will grow past the, “when you do something wrong, you have to say sorry,” mindset because it is easy to internalize throughout developmental years. As we grow older, this simple lesson quickly becomes outdated, and even disadvantageous, as people encounter more complex problems within increasingly complex relationships.
“When you do something wrong, you have to say sorry,” still to simple harms, such as bumping into someone on the street or knocking over someone’s coffee. It would be socially frowned upon to not quickly apologize for most minor mistakes. However, harmful conduct is more complicated under the backdrops of professional and career interests, commercial interests, long-term friendships, romantic relationships, communal standing, social status, leadership aspirations, and more.
One of the biggest issues with the forgiveness-entitlement mindset is when it fosters expectation of a specific result: forgiveness, upon saying, “sorry.” Let’s check out this illustrative scenario:
“I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not. You always do this and I’ve told you over and over that I don’t like how it makes me feel.”
“I already said I’m sorry, what more do you want? You know what? You’re being a real jerk about this.”
The forgiveness-entitlement mindset’s primary flaw lies in it’s structure.
The wrongdoer is not truly hearing the victim because they believe their duty is limited to merely saying, “I’m sorry.” They believe their role in clearing the harm is complete and has checked out from interacting with the victim’s actual grievances.
Nothing was actually resolved. The victim still feels the harm. They are unsatisfied, feel unheard and unacknowledged, and have not granted forgiveness due to the insufficiency of the apology.
Perhaps worst of all: in their mind, the wrongdoer has reversed the dynamic of the wrongdoer/victim roles. From the wrongdoer’s perspective, the victim is actually being harmful and antisocial by withholding forgiveness and demanding more than what the wrongdoer deems sufficient remediation. This is punctuated in the phrase, “what more do you want?” These words signify the wrongdoer’s belief that they do not owe a duty to critically examine the issue, fix their behavior, or offer further restitutions.
The forgiveness-entitlement mindset is detrimental because the wrongdoer shoots themselves in the foot before they even open their mouths. By coming into an apology with entitlement, they prevent themselves from even thinking about true resolution. The wrongdoer likely does not realize this crushes most chances at forgiveness at the very earliest stage.