“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”
– Ben Franklin, there’s a reason he’s on the 100
The first stage occurs before delivery of the apology & focuses on gathering information and internal reflection to create a strategy
The cooldown period: timing is everything
The victim will usually require a cooldown period between the occurrence or discovery of the harm, and the time they become emotionally sound enough to discuss it with the wrongdoer
Victim
Currently, the victim is running hot. Trying to negotiate with someone too upset to listen or digest information presents an extreme disadvantage when your goal requires thorough and thoughtful communication. The victim is less receptive to discussion when they are emotional and unfocused. They need time to process and collect themselves. The length of time depends on the severity of the harm suffered.
Wrongdoer
The wrongdoer does not have the same luxury to be emotional because they need to focus on planning their next move. Quickly reining in your emotions means more time allocated towards forming a strategy. While extreme feelings are natural at this time, being angry, upset, or commiserating in pity is ultimately counterproductive.
Your tools
Reflection allows you to gather internal information regarding intent for taking your action(s), your feelings for the victim, and more. This information will be important for the basis of your apology.
- Helps rein in emotions and reduce anxiety
- Prevents premature interaction
- Getting a third-party perspective may help clarify new or additional facts about victim, the harmful conduct, or of self
- Allows for bouncing off ideas for strategies
An unreasonable delay?
Ignoring harms dealt and forgoing apologies can create long-term strain on a relationship, depending on the severity of the harmful conduct. Even innocuous slights may have a compounding effect over time combined with other unresolved issues. Ideally, you should solve relationship problems sooner rather than later (or never).
Steps of Strategize stage
