This step establishes the scope of what is to be discussed.
Slow Down on the Trigger, Cowboy
It may be intuitive to go straight to saying how sorry you are. But consider the victim has their emotional walls up. You need to give them a reason to listen to you. These next two steps will help you increase receptiveness towards your communication efforts.
Acknowledge the events in full detail
The scope encapsulates your action(s) that led to the harm and signals which conduct(s) you intend to apologize for. Recalling your conduct in full detail, including your motivation for taking the actions, to establish the scope is important for three reasons:
(1) It separates your understanding of what took place from imaginary or false accounts;
(2) It focuses the conversation on specific action(s) (and reduces possibility of straying into irrelevant problems); and
(3) It is an acknowledgement of fault and thereby acceptance of the burden of harm while relieving the victim of any responsibility. Sometimes victims might not know if they are partially responsible for their harm. If they are not, clarification will help put them at ease.
Provide contextual details
Some harms go beyond the instance(s) the victim’s immediate knowledge. For example, in cases of infidelity, the victim might not know of all the other times their partner was unfaithful or with whom. But this information is necessary for them to consider when deciding whether forgiveness is forthcoming. To fully establish the scope, the wrongdoer must give full context to the harm by volunteering additional information which the victim may not have known about.
Additionally, don’t lie to establish a smaller scope. This can cause devastating harm if the lies are discovered immediately or later on. It is not worth any short term gain for the sake of an easier apology. Furthermore, lying is also dangerous because the wrongdoer doesn’t always know how much knowledge the victim actually possesses.
Consensus
Being corrected is not a bad thing. Sometimes our memories fail us or our perspective is bias. Having the victim give their input into previous events can help you understand what parts of past events is most important to them. It is also an excellent opportunity to show the victim you want to work with them rather than against them, and the space you are creating invites them to be heard.
Don't venture into the unknown
Do not make more work for yourself. Establishing the scope requires full candor and admission of your conduct. It does not, however, require you to address beyond what you actually did. Outside the absolute boundaries of your actions is subject to misinterpretation and imagination. These fuzzy areas are unpredictable and should be avoided.
For example, if you are at fault for an embarrassing public ordeal; do not get dragged into a conversation about stolen mail if you were not responsible for it. Steer the conversation back by stating you don’t know and you want to focus on resolving the matter at hand.