This step focuses on reaching acceptable terms: conditions which both parties mutually agree on.
Offering Restitutions
The initial offer(s) should paint a clear and concise path towards fixing the harm.
Slow and steady wins the race
Discuss (negotiate) each restitution fully one-at-a-time before moving onto the next. By discussing restitutions in a list, you maintain focus on each potential solution individually until all parties agree to move onto the next. This will help prevent undue confusion if you jump back and forth between various restitutions and foster a sense of working through the problem together.
Restitutions are the most heavily negotiated part of an apology. Take your time.
Use the following template to present each term
Propose term & purpose
Propose a term & explain whether it focused on restoration or prevention.
Click here for an overview of the types of restitutions.
Connect your logic
Restorative restitution: thoroughly explain how the restitution would make some part or all of the victim whole again.
Preventative restitution: thoroughly explain how the restitution directly addresses the root cause which motivated the harmful conduct.
Discuss
Discuss sufficiency of term with victim, explore their alternatives, and modify as needed. Discuss quantifiable factors, metrics, or specifics of performance of terms.
For example, agreement to attend therapy (term) twice a week for 52 sessions (metric).
Notes on Negotiating Restitutions
Restitutions should be relevant to the cause of the conduct. If the victim proposes irrelevant restitutions, you can softly challenge them by asking them to connect their logic to see if they can articulate their term in a solutions-focused manner.
Focus on working together towards a solution. Negotiation by nature does not mean one person loses if the other gets their way. If the parties want the same result, it is about figuring out the means to achieve them.
Have something for both parties to reference and check off. This gives the victim tangible to track performance of the restitutions.
Sometimes, new information, a different perspective, or uncontrollable outside circumstances will negatively impact your apology. Sometimes, the parties may find themselves to not be as emotionally ready to talk as previously believed. For these sorts of setbacks, it is worth taking a break and resuming later.
But sometimes your attempt at negotiations and you must be able to spot the signs of failure and may have to cut your losses. Examples include:
- The victim insists or fixates on petty or irrelevant restitutions
- The victim is revenge-focused rather than solutions-focused
- The harm has irreparably or catastrophically ruined the relationship
- The victim prefers to fight rather than talk
- There are drastic legal implications to admitting fault