"The most dangerous negotiation is the one you don't know you're in."
– Christopher Voss, FBI hostage negotiator
We begin by re-defining, 'apology.'
An apology is more than the mere act of saying, "I'm sorry."
Functionally, An apology is:
A process...
...facilitated by negotiation...
...towards forgiveness
Forgiveness: the victim’s release of the wrongdoer from responsibility of pain caused by the wrongdoer’s harmful conduct
The Parties
- Person who caused the harmful act and owes an apology
- Bears the burden to persuade victim to forgive
- Person suffering from the harmful conduct and is owed an apology
- Holds the power to forgive
Types of Harm
Harm which has been forgiven or forgotten. The victim no longer holds the wrongdoer accountable for their suffering.
Multiple harms, which may or may not be related, and can threaten to deteriorate a relationship over time; especially if unaddressed.
A serious or grievous harm which instantly puts a relationship at risk of termination.
Power dynamics
Each subsequent attempted apology loses power and meaning as the victim’s trust in the wrongdoer to do the right thing erodes.
What conduct is deemed harmful is entirely up to the victim – the wrongdoer cannot substitute their own standard of offense or interpretation of the harm suffered merely because they don’t personally find their actions harmful.
Only the victim, who holds the power to forgive, may recognize when the offered apology is sufficient – the wrongdoer cannot substitute their own standard of sufficiency in place of victim’s. The victim starts in a stronger negotiation position because the wrongdoer needs something from the victim; but the opposite is not necessarily true.
This might seem intuitive but people frequently seek forgiveness in all the wrong places. Some erroneously seek the relief of forgiveness by going to religious confession, through validation by other people, or by appealing to quantity (such as social media followers). But no matter how numerous or almighty the audience, none of these alternatives possess the right to forgive the wrongdoer on behalf of the victim.
Forgiveness is a feeling of vindication and a mental release of the pain and shame caused by the harm suffered. Forgiveness means no residual resentment towards the wrongdoer remains.
The Forgiveness-Entitlement Mindset
A major step towards embracing negotiations-based apologies requires de-programming from a widespread and engrained apology method learned in our childhood: "When we do something wrong, we have to say sorry." This generally works well with children, but can be detrimental adults facing more complex issues. This simpler philosophy implies saying 'sorry' is a mere formality which then creates an obligation in the victim to accept and forgive. This can self-sabotage an apology if a wrongdoer maintains their entitlement to forgiveness through a small act without real reflection or accountability.
Properties of a negotiation
Forgiveness is specific to each victim. This makes each victim’s forgiveness a scarce resource which could only be obtained through them.
Earning forgiveness requires persuasion: inducement of a mutual exchange.
However, negotiating for forgiveness can be very different from negotiating for a product or service because fundamentally, forgiveness is a feeling. A victim will usually only grant forgiveness if their emotional needs are satisfied in whole.
Cost
Unwillingness or inability to resolve harmful conduct can have detriment consequences beyond mere hurt feelings, including:
(1) Catastrophic or instant destruction of relationship(s)
(2) Slow, gradual deterioration of the relationship
(3) Legal repercussions
(4) Monetary penalties and consequences
(5) Professional or occupational repercussions
(6) Lost or damaged reputation or social standing
(7) Personal suffering and stunted growth
